bored_barnes2

So the lack of appetite and weight loss has continued.

My psych is really worried. For homework this week she asked me to go to my GP and have a blood test to check various vital nutrients. It is hot here at the moment, and I struggle to know how much water to drink because the ritalin makes my mouth parched. The nurse struggled to get enough blood (first time this has ever happened). She got one vial out of each arm. It also hurt a bit more than usual, probably because my blood was so thick.

She also suggested that I look into seeing a dietitian to help give me ideas about healthy foods to eat when I start eating more regularly. So when I was at the GP I got a referral for this. I was lucky to get an appointment for midday tomorrow. I am on holidays till next Tuesday (it is 11:30pm on Wednesday) and wanted to at least get the ball rolling before then.

I don't know if my heart is really in it. I know once work starts and my sport (not just gym which I am going to at least 6 times a week for over an hour each time) picks up again I will probably struggle to have enough energy to do things the best I can and to remember important details. I think at this stage I am purely going because my psych asked me to. I think she feels this is it - I either keep going the way I am and lose so much weight that I look like a skeleton, or I maintain the weight I am at in a healthy way. I still want to lose another 4-5 kilos (9-11 lbs) and get down to about 60 kg (132 lbs), but I guess it will have to be more gradual.

I am just going with the flow at the moment, doing things just to keep my psych happy, be honest with her, and staying true to myself at the same time. Feeling a bit disengaged. I guess that's all for now.

Nyt,

Barnes xo

My psychologist is starting to get a little worried. Since starting on methylphenidate short release (ritalin) almost 2 months ago I have had very little appetite, and when I do I just can't be bothered eating. This is something I can see spiraling into a problem, it can't keep going like this or there will eventually be nothing left of me. Now don't get me wrong, I am not small, but I am not large either. I am 168cm/5'6''. In August I weighed 81kg (about 178.5lbs) and had starting eating healthier after winter to lose a few kgs (I had ballooned from my last antidepressant). When I started on methylphenidate I weight 78kg (about 172lbs) and now I weigh 68.5kg (about 151lbs). So I have lost 10kg in less than 2 months. It is crazy! Some people have started noticing and I don't know what to say to them. I can't and don't want to explain about the medication, but I guess I have to give some sort of explanation. So far I have just been telling people that I have been eating healthier because it is summer and exercising well (which in a sense is not a lie).

I think the main reason my psych is worried is because she knows that in the past I have fasted, restricted and used laxatives to help me lose weight. I think she thinks that's what I am doing now - intentionally. We came up with an agreement 4 days ago for this week. 1)that I would exercise on only 6 days a week (I have been doing 7). 2) That I would eat at least one meal every day. Now I feel bad because I have snacked every day, but yesterday was the only day that I have eaten an actual meal. And so far I have been to the gym every day.

For as long as I can remember I have been the biggest fluctuator I know. So some people just expect that if I put on weight I will eventually lose it all again. They don't know how I have done it in the past, they don't really care.

I guess I need to figure out if this is a pattern I want to change (my actions since my appointment don't show any change). This pattern is probably not sustainable, especially when I go back to work in a week and a half. If I want to change then I need to continue to be honest with my psych and force myself to follow her suggestions, to at least maintain this weight. If I don't to change I guess I will just have to put up with it and come up with some standard responses to her and other peoples questions.

I just want to cry right now. I have worked so hard in my therapy and have spent so much time and effort working on my skills. Now I feel like it has all come to a bit of a head. I can tell that my psych is a bit unhappy with me and dumbfounded but recent events (though she would never express that to me). She is proud that I have continued to be honest with her (I can't lie), she can see how hard I have worked and she can see the daily struggles I live with and survive. I just hate that there is always something going on for me, and this is just another thing to add to the collection.

Anyway, better get going.

I hope everyone is doing better than I am *hugs*

Barnes xo

Okay, so my car is now okay. The best possible scenario actually happened for once. With my last car it had issues because I hadn't put enough oil in it. The problem with this car this time was that I actually put too much oil in it (trying to make sure it didn't run low - avoiding the same issues I had with the last car). So I just have to pay for an oil change and a regular service. About $400 (AUD), as opposed to the dreaded $2000 it would have cost if it had been the worst possible scenario.

All I can say is: RELIEF!!! I can finally smile again and breath a sigh of relief. Looks like it might end up being a good weekend after all.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Barnes xo

I am stressed, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

My car started playing up the other day. So today my mechanic (who is a close friend) came and towed it to his work to check it out and fix it. They still need to check a few more things tomorrow but at this stage it looks like the motor is gone. If this is the case it will be at the mechanics for a few weeks. This is okay because I am on holidays till the 27th and they can give me a car to borrow in the meantime.

The biggest problem with this is that I am already in debt and have no money to pay for it. I know that I will be able to pay it off over time, but I hate owing money and I was so looking forward to making progress in paying off my debts. And then starting to save. This is just another bloody setback.

I immediately thought about stopping therapy when this module of DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) ends in 2 weeks. If I stopped that I would save so much money. I am at my witts end. Money is an area that I never had any problems until I started full-time work when I finished university. The more money I have, the more money I spend. I was such a good saver when I was younger. At the moment I don't know what I spend all my money on, and I have nothing to show for it.

I hate money!!

I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I haven't known what to say and don't think I have really had anything overly important to say.

I have regularly been reading others' posts and comments both in communities and in personal journals. I have commented when I felt I could contribute something relevant.

I am in a strange phase in my life. I have been teaching for the past two years, after having graduated from uni at the end of 2006. I recently resigned from the school I have taught at for these 2 years. It wasn't something I was entiely happy about doing, but my gut feeling was that it was something I needed to do in order for me to continue to become the best teacher I can be. I was working at a great school which had so many good things going on. That being said, I worked closely with a group of very judgemental people who were quick to point the finger. They were so good at pin-pointing weaknesses in other people that they rarely saw or acknowledged their strengths. Let me clarify that this was not something that happened solely to me, it wasn't highglighted by any one particular event, it was just the way this group (didn't) worked. There was bitching about others behind their backs, there was little regard for other points of view/opinions/ideas, there was little support for trying to do things that had not been done before. I was the first to raise this issue with the principal - she was usually a very supportive person but basically said to me "What are you going to do about it?" I had explained to her that I had done what I knew how to do and what I thought would be effective, to no avail. So in essence she was saying to me "Deal with it". A couple of months after this, a few others spoke to me about what they had noticed, clarifying everything that I had already noticed. They also spoke to the principal about the issue. She was more receiving when they spoke to her about it. This obviously frustrated me, and made me feel as though my opinion and observations were not being taken seriously. I let this issue slide and gradually saw a few changes occur in the way the group worked. The thing I found the hardest working with this group is that I could see how we all could have worked so well together and done such great things for the students - if only there could have been one or two of the big-wigs who would have had the guts to listen to others. Being in this uncomfortable work environment did very little for my overall wellbeing. I hated going to work.

So, I had resigned from this job before having another job to go to. A week and a half ago I had an interview at another school. It was the job that I really wanted. I spoke very well, clearly and consisely. I showed them who I am and what I believe in. They were impressed and offered me the job at the completion of the interview. I am so excited about it! I am going to be teaching subjects that I would have waited a long time to be able to teach at my last school. I am teaching a number of subjects I have never taught before and that I am passionate about. The facilities are so much more varied that what I am used to.

I am really looking forward to making the changes I need to in 2009. I want to use the skills I have learnt in DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) the work in collaboration with others in a way that is consistent with my beliefs and values.

Other issues...

I have played soccer for the past 8 years. I love it! I am at a crossroads as to whether I am going to continue to play. I had a knee (ACL) reconstruction in March 2007. I had a great recovery, everything healed well and I built my strength and fitness back up. I played this year, as goalkeeper (which I had done in the past but don't really enjoy). In women's soccer in Australia we have the following divisions: national, state, premier league, div 1, div 2, div 3, metro. I have always played in Premier League. It is a lot of commitment and is a physically and mentally taxing level of competition. I am at the stage where I think my passion and body are starting to wain. I am trying to make the decision as to whether I will continue to play soccer or not. If I decide to play I also need to deicde what level to play at, which may be determined by what divisions the local clubs are in. I feel that reserves in premier league would be suitable, or division 1. Have sat with this weighing on my shoulders for a few months now. I just wish I could decide. I know that if I don't play this year I probably will never play competitively again.

I am also playing beach volleyball. Which involves playing and/or training 4 times a week. I have a feeling that playing soccer as well might be too much when I add in the time I spend at DBT as well. I also want to put in my best effort in my new job, playing soccer as well as volleyball would definitely make for a very stressful year.

I have another 3 and a half weeks of holidays. Now I know this sounds like a dream. But trust me, it is such a long time. I get bored. Often I just feel like sleeping the days away. I often spend time out in the sun reading a novel, anything that takes a long time. I go to the gym for 1-2 hours at a time. I try not to eat, which means I sometimes have a few days without eating at all. Strange.

Anyway, I jsut figured I hadn't posted in a while so it was as good a time as any to fill you all in on my life at the moment.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Bring on 2009!

Barnes xo

Hi guys!

I had issues logging in to my old account: bored_barnes. So I have started this new one.

Hope to hear from you all soon.

Take care,

Barnes xo